I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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