were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
