I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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