I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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