My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
