If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
