my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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