I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
