dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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