Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
