The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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