that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize