Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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