Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
