Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize