Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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