Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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