Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize