Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize