Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize