i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize