batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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