I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
