Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
