She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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