There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
