my vag is so smooth its legendary
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
