I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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