i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
