I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
