just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
