my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
