my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He shit in the fireplace
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
