I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
