I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
