he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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