dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
