I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
