I just cut my nipple shaving
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
