I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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