Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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