Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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