Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
