Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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