I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
