Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
