Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
