I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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