So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
