I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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