I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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