I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
are you so shy because you have an std?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
