one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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