now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
