How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize