Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
