Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
zippers are such a cool invention
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
