I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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