dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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