i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
