You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
