I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
