i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
