normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
