Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
